February 2, 2010

this was supposed to be a light, funny blog, really

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:43 am by whatsupwiththat

Again, no mention of the months that have passed since my last post.  May 21st my dad died and for some reason known only to my selfish, subconscious mind I find myself still waiting.  Nike’s motto of  “Just do it” rattles around in the vast emptiness that is my mind these days and while I have the best intentions of getting off my butt, off the computer, out of the house and on to the next stage that is my life, I have no idea in which direction to turn.  Do I begin the process of reinstating my teaching certificate?  Do I start researching how to send in a manuscript and resume work on others I have begun or have ideas about?  Do I continue to work on convincing my husband we should own our own business, but which one (and what if another leap of faith is too much for our relationship and it breaks us)? 

That’s just the biggest challenge I face; what to do with the rest of my life or at least the next dozen years.  Then there are the health issues;  my weight, my skin, my mental health.  And my sons’ issues, which I am never really sure if they are theirs or an extension of my issues.

To be truthful I have made some progress in some areas.  I’ve seen doctors, body workers and am actively seeking out solutions to the health issues.  As usual I have little patience to wait for results and want them yesterday.  And then there is the conflicting information from Eastern and Western medicine.  My thyroid is enlarged says E, not so says W and stop taking any thyroid supplements.  Who to believe, who to follow, who to trust? 

Trust, I think, lies at the heart of my stuckness.  I no longer trust myself to make decisions, to know what is best for me, to take a chance and deal with being wrong.  Why this need to be right, to not make mistakes?  I am painfully becoming more and more aware that I make a great follower.  Even the times when it has appeared that I am leading, I was really just following directions from someone else and dragging others along with me.  I think my what’s up with that question for today is, How do I build up confidence in myself in a meaningful way?  In a way that will help me find my direction and purpose?  Yep that is my question for today, the week even.  I’ll be back quite soon.  I’ve enjoyed this.

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