March 13, 2009


Posted in Uncategorized at 11:36 am by whatsupwiththat

I am not even going to address the indecent length of time between my first blog and this, my second. 

My father is dying.  I wish I had been blogging all along up until this point so that if you are reading this you would have a sense of what a wonderful man he is.  He has been diagnosed with IPF for a little over 4 years and as we finished up last year and entered this year it became very obvious, painfully obvious that each holiday we celebrate will be his last.  Last Thanksgiving, last Christmas, last New Year and this weekend will be the last time he will celebrate my Mom’s birthday with her and the rest of our family.  Her birthday was on the 11th and I know it passed quietly with just the 2 of them at home.  He can no longer leave the house; hasn’t left the house since the cold weather set in and now he barely has the energy to make it from the bedroom to the living room each day.  Any activity, even eating , requires a long recovery period for his blood oxygen level to get back into the 90’s.

And so there is this waiting aspect to my life that has become overbearing.  I don’t mind waiting usually.  I normally use periods of waiting to prepare, collect my thoughts, anticipate, calm down, or just be.  But I don’t want to do any of those things as I wait for my father’s death.  What I truly want I can’t have. I have always known my parents would not live forever.  When my huband and I lived a 4 hours drive away from family in the first year of our marriage, I was convinced that every evening phone call was going to be the news my mother had died.  Her family history is such that she was preparing me for her early death from my teenage years on.  I have witnessed friends lose their parents through the years.   My husband lost his mother almost 5 years ago and the void is less pronounced but still ever present. 

I know my feelings are selfish.  I want my dad to continue to keep living for me and my sons and my mom.  But not like this, and it so much helps that he is dying gracefully.  He is ready.  His biggest concern is for his wife, daughters and grandchildren to be spared the anguish and pain of watching him suffer and his hope is that the end comes swiftly and without a lot of drama.  Did I tell you he is an unbelievably great guy?

And so for now there is this waiting.  It has permeated my life to the point that I am immobilized except for the most necessary of tasks.  The kids are fed, the laundry done…. I am having a hard time coming up with a third because if it isn’t part of the daily routine I am avoiding it.  That has to stop.  So I am outing my secret here.  I have to wait for those things which I have no control over but things within my control can no longer wait.

So I am off to start the list and to call my Dad, that’s on the top of my list.

What’s on your list?


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